Why do Bad Things Happen to Good People? and Steps to Being More Jewish!

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It’s almost providence that I started this blog right before Tuesday’s class on “Why do bad things happen to good people?”

This topic is, by far, the one I always had the largest issue with when it comes to religion.

For those who don’t know, I’ve been taking evening courses particularly pertaining to issues in Judaism. Tuesday classes are part of a lecture circuit called "Maimonides", funded by "Aish HaTora". I wanted this blog to be more organic so I have not gone backwards to discuss previous lectures as wonderful as they all are. I always want to be moving forward. Besides, I can always integrate them later on.

There are two central points that I would like to discuss in this blog based on Tuesday’s class.

The first is the Jewish view of suffering and the second is a quote from the Bible.

The Jewish view of suffering is that pain is real and that it must be dealt with. Hence why there is a very specific and healthy structure of dealing with death. For example, when someone passes away in the Jewish religion, we sit “Shiva” for one week. During this process, those in mourning sit lower, the mirrors are covered, and we don’t wear laundered clothing. The process, however, does not end there. We then sit "Shloshim"—a month long process—and continue the mourning ritual until a year after the deceased has passed. 

Drinking your pain away is actually an extremely foreign concept to Judaism. You can’t run away from your pain or you’ll only end up hurting yourself more. We know that the most valuable things in life are the things that we work the hardest for. If we want to overcome pain and be happy again, we have to be willing to put in the effort. You have to work at being happy and in love just as much as you have to work at overcoming pain.

I always dealt with my pain in an extremely unhealthy way. I would give into it, let it consume me, and obsess over it until I couldn't feel anything. There is certainly something to be said about purging your emotions and having a good cry. But then there is always the chance of running the risk of indulging in that pain too much. When you’re happy, your endorphins give you a natural high. The same thing can happen in the reverse, but then you’re the one feeding your negative thoughts by over-analyzing them.

When you find yourself in a depressed mood, the last thing you should do is over think your feelings. I did not have the privilege of attending Rabbi Yom Tom’s class entitled Mastering Moods, Thoughts, and Feelings: A Workshop in Abolishing Depression at the conference, but my lovely friend "Erica" graciously compiled a document for me about it and I’m going to share its central message with all of you.

When you’re in a low mood, the last thing you want to do is become analytical. You become trapped in “Analysis Paralysis”—something that happens to me frequently—and any ‘analysis’ you attempt in this state will become corrupted. Time is precious; don’t waste it trying to think your way out of depression. Ride it out until you’re in a better mood before you attempt to process.  

You need to have a Non-Analysis Day (NAD) in order to process your feelings and thoughts. You should also wait until you’re in a better mood before you begin analyzing your emotions. This removes the bias. Often when you’re in a low state, you tend to over-analyze and judge yourself and the world too harshly. You need to give yourself a fighting chance.

How do we ground this in our everyday lives? Sharing time!

Yesterday, right before the class I TA for started, a friend of mine sent me a series of messages that informed me of something that angered me to no end. I was shaking with rage in class, more so at the situation than at her, and I was unable to focus.

After class, I got on the bus, and posted a rather passive aggressive Facebook status:

“Pretty sure I'm being tested. Hilarious God, seriously. What a sense of humour. Love ya.”

It was without a doubt the first time I ever referred to God, let alone acknowledged the existence of God, in a Facebook status.

Within seconds of posting the status, I looked up from my phone only to realize that someone I had attended the conference with had just got on the bus and was about to pass in front of me.

Until the conference, we had never seen each other before and had never run into each other in the years that we’ve both been at Western.

I don’t really believe in coincidences. So, for the purpose of this entry, let’s assume it was an act of God. Remember: God is in the details!

Seeing a person who had been at the conference with me put an immediate stop to my train wreck thoughts. He also helped me get out of my head and realize how silly I was being. Any other time, I would have obsessed over the situation, become even angrier, and stressed myself into a nervous breakdown.

I realized the anger was gone completely after we parted ways. I was in a better mood to process the situation and rationalized that it wasn’t worth being upset over. A 25-year-old dealing with high school drama. Oh, the humanity.

Obviously this situation is small-scale. We’ll see what happens when something really bad happens. But don’t worry—in my life, it’s bound to happen sooner or later, so stay tuned! (I’m being facetious in case anyone was wondering…).

There’s just one more thing I’d like to say before moving on to the second point. About a month ago, while attending the "Shabbaton" – which consisted only of Friday and Saturday evening – Rabbi Mandel recommended that we try out the Happiness exercise.

Step 1 – For one hour, write down everything that’s ever made you happy.

Step 2 – For 5 minutes every day, read over that list and add one more thing to that list for a month.

At the end of that month, if we’ve conducted the exercise, he said he would tell us Step 3.

So on Tuesday evening, I found out what Step 3 was.

The more we focus on the things that make us happy, the more we begin to prioritize that list and see the value in everything we do. Perhaps reading a book makes you happier than watching a television show. Maybe hanging out with your close friends makes you happier than going to bars and dancing with strangers. Whatever makes you the happiest should be the number one priority on your list.

What’s on my list of happiness? I'll share with you one thing. 

When it started snowing a few days ago, my Twitter and Facebook timeline blew up with my friends complaining. We’re talking end of days, people! What is it with you Canadians and your dislike of snow? I get not all of you experience large amounts on a regular basis, but we’re not the Great White North for nothing. Embrace the snow!

Winter happens to be my favourite season. And snow happens to be my favourite thing about winter.

The day after we got back from the conference, it started to snow. I didn’t think much of it until I looked out the window of the dissertation workshop I was in and saw how much snow was falling.

I can’t even describe the sense of peace I feel when it snows.

On the drive home from the conference, I was experiencing an emotional high. I was worried that I would lose it upon my return and wasn’t ready to give that up. I was also worried that what I experienced wasn’t anything spiritual, but perhaps more like a chemical high from all that glorious food.

So when I was looking out the window and feeling that sense of calm, it was like God heard me and made it snow just for me.

God IS in the details (perhaps a new Madi catchphrase…).

I put it to you then: find something in your life that makes you unbelievably happy and try to incorporate it into your everyday life. The results could be drastic.

The second point about the class I would like to discuss is a story involving a quotation from the Bible. Not wanting to butcher the story in any way, I’m quoting it verbatim here:  

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

“This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study. That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy - when I see my image in it." If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has His eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.”

The reason this story spoke to me, besides its poetic nature, is that it immediately reminded me of earlier classes about how human beings are made in the image of God. In all honesty, I thought it was a bit arrogant of God to make us all in His image (again, flippant). But more importantly, I couldn’t understand how humans could be made in God’s image if He’s everywhere and everywhen. At the same time, if God can be everywhere, surely He also has the power to “contain” Himself into one entity which may or may not look like a human being. Why He’d do that, I have no idea, but I have a little more clarity after hearing this story. It’s not about how we look like God, it’s how we have the potential to be like God. As our creator, God—as a silversmith—holds us in the middle of the fire in order to purify us. He does not let go and He does not stop watching over us during this rigorous process. Despite the hardships we endure every day of our lives, we should be grateful for His careful devotion since He brings us closer to Him by continuously refining us in His image.

Hey. If God wants to ‘put me through hell’ so I can be more like Him, I’m honestly all for it.

After all, it’s the most valuable things in life that are the things we work hardest for. What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.

After Tuesday’s class, I remained with the Mandels and we came up with my small steps towards my transition process. I decided I would pick a few small things from categories across the board, just to give myself a sense of how much I can withstand.

1)      Kosher:

I grew up thinking that kosher was essentially not mixing milk and meat and not eating pork. I’ll never understand how people can drink a glass of milk with any kind of meat. The act is so foreign to me. What I have been doing, though, is eating cheeseburgers. So, for this specific sub-category, I’m giving up that. This is what I ate when I arrived back home in Thornhill:

Don’t make that face. It didn’t have cheese on it. But in all seriousness, I think the going out to eat is going to slowly come to an end, especially when I’m in London. Let’s face it. I’m poor. Why am I going out to begin with? But while at home in Thornhill, if I’m going out with the boy, then salad it is from here on out. I’ll also ask, in a very nice polite way, if they could wash the lettuce as carefully as possible. I’ve been having nightmares about bugs on lettuce since I was informed that bugs are the reason why eating salad out is not keeping kosher…Ew. Just ew.

In terms of pork, the only kind I ever liked eating was sausage. Given that I’ve become weight-obsessed, I think giving up sausage will be easy. I rarely eat it anyway. Goodbye "Babe"!

What I learned about keeping kosher:

Growing up, I always thought meat (obviously not pork, seafood, or any animal with split hooves or doesn’t chew its cud) could be kosher if a Rabbi blessed it. Whoops. Certain foods are kosher – and have the kosher marking on its packaging – because the ingredients and the process by which the food was made were kosher. Moreover, a Rabbi oversees the process which allows companies to put the kosher brand on their food. What I also didn’t know was that there are non-profit companies that not only hire Rabbis to carry out this task, "but also monitor for false kosher branding".

We take our Kosher seriously.

2)      "Dressing Modestly"

Before I started taking the classes, I was already making a conscious effort to wear dresses instead of jeans or leggings. So I’ve decided no more jeans and leggings (unless I’m in the comfort of my own home) from now on. I’m intent on going to Israel in May, which means I’m going to have to go shopping (ewwww) soon to buy “modest” clothes. A friend of mine gave me a few Facebook groups to check out about this. I'll eventually post about transforming my wardrobe. 

For those who don’t know, dressing modestly involves the following:

   
    ü  Dresses/skirts that cover your knees

    ü  Shirts/sweaters that cover your elbows 

    ü  Not showing your collar bone (not looking forward to summer…)

    ü  Nothing see-through or showing any bra straps

    ü  If you’re married, you must cover your hair

      I’m not sure if this is ever going to actually happen. The thought of covering my elbows for the rest of my life worries me because I’m sensitive to heat. Praying to God for cool summers for the remainder of my life.

3)      Shabbat

I’m not sure how much the secular world knows about Shabbat. But every Friday, we light the candles and eat an elaborate dinner. Why do we celebrate Shabbat? Because God created the world in 7 days and on the 7th day, he rested. So we too much rest. Shabbat is all about appreciating the things we created during the week, enjoying all of life’s pleasures, spending time with your family, and establishing a better spiritual connection with God. For those who don’t know, Shabbat goes from Friday sundown to Saturday sundown. For that period of time, there are certain things we aren’t allowed to do:

ü  We can’t drive.

ü  We can’t turn on a light switch.

ü  We can’t use technology (TV, internet, phones…all those gadgets kids are using these days.)

ü  We’re not allowed to write or erase (this includes tearing through letters. Avoid those sugar packets, people!

ü  We essentially can’t do anything that happened while the Jews built the Temple. But there is a lot of debate over using certain things. For example, at the conference, they programmed the elevator before Shabbat to stop on each floor. As long as no one touched the buttons, we weren’t breaking Shabbat (my bad!). Clarification: we can use timers. If we program something to go ON during Shabbat BEFORE Shabbat, then it is SHABBAT APPROVED! (Anyone want to make a series of SHABBAT APPROVED video diaries with me? Educational and entertaining!)

So what am I going to give up? Most people start with television. But given who my boyfriend is (I seriously challenge you to name a show he does not watch) that may not work out well. I debated on lighting Shabbat candles, but potentially too much of a hassle given how often I go back and forth between here and London. I decided, however, that when I’m in Thornhill, I will start lighting Shabbat candles with my mother again. I’ve missed doing that. Sundown is at 4:51. Wow, winter, seriously?

I think the hardest thing for me would be my phone so I’ll go with the next hardest thing. For my first Shabbat Approved act—no more internet! I’m attempting that tonight which is why I need to get this post finished before sundown. From today at 4:51pm to Saturday 4:51pm I will not go on the internet.

So do me a favour and don’t put anything interesting up on Facebook.

4)     "Shomer Negiah"

A concept essentially foreign to the secular world, it involves not touching any member of the opposite sex. However, if you decide mid-way into your relationship that this is something you want, people say you should continue carrying on as you are otherwise you’re likely to wreck the relationship. So, I’ve decided I’m not touching anyone, male or female, who is not my partner or my family. I’m not a huggy person anyway. No touchy!

That being said, if you’re active in the business world and it is standard to shake hands, even with members of the opposite sex, there are exceptions to this rule. For example, if someone sticks out their hand, it is Jewish custom not to embarrass the other person by refusing to shake their hand. But good etiquette would be to inform them of your custom should they ever try to shake your hand again.

5)      Talking to God and saying the "Shema"

This last one was suggested to me. This was my favourite prayer as a child, especially in Hebrew School. I always felt like I was actually speaking to God when I covered my eyes and addressed Him. I was afraid that if I removed my hand too soon, the connection to God would be violently severed and I would experience a profound shock in my soul. Oh, the imagination of children.

But I said the Shema for the first time on Tuesday morning (sometime after 1am), after I left. First, though, I walked in silence for about 5 minutes. Then, I started speaking out loud (yes, it was painfully awkward) and at first I felt extremely nervous (my heart was racing…crazy) but eventually I got comfortable. And a bit emotional. I haven’t been able to speak to God out loud since, but it’s something I’m going to try to work on. It actually felt extremely cathartic.

As for the Shema, I said it when I got to my house. I’m not quite sure if I’ll ever get the intensity I felt as a child back, but – like everything else – it’s a work in progress. I haven’t even said the prayer since then, which might explain the nightmares (I learned that the Shema protects you from nightmares – so cool!).

That’s pretty much it. I also discovered that my bedroom door has been lacking a "Mezuzah" since, well, always. If you have them, be sure to check them every 7 years! Something I did not know.

I’m going to convince my parents to get one for my bedroom. No wonder why I’ve wandered so far away from God. Yes, there’s that flippancy again, folks.

That's all for now. Shabbat Shalom everyone!